Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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