Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
