Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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