Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Randomize
