My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
