i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize