The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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