i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
