I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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