Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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