Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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