I want to have your abortion
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
