do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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