the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
