Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize