Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
