I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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