I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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