not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
