No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
