i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
