never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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