Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
