I'm gonna have a badass scar
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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