I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize