i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
