she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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