i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
