Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
