I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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