Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
