So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
