Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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