i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I fill condoms, not promises.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
