yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
