I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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