i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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