how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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