I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
