the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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