I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
