if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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