I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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