i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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