Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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