Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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