if i can run in heels then i can drive
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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