You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
