you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
