I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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