Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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