I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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