"it" just moved
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize