just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
