A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
