he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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