Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
