Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
worst night to have a conscience
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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