if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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