We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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