hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
