He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize