the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
