I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
