I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
