I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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