Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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