I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
