What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
